It was a normal Saturday. I woke up without a rush and after completing morning Meditation Chris and I had a nice homemade breakfast. I was looking forward to going to a park just get out of the four walls. Even during the workweek I look forward for lunchtime to get out of my 2 x 2 closet to get some fresh air. I feel as if my spirit is rolled up in a rug and wants to be freed. But that morning Chris had a different agenda; he went to work saying he will be back later. Later?!
I was very disappointed and felt rejected. I was able to witness my emotion and the raising of the resentment. Then my dad called. He is staying in Austin, TX with my sister on his first trip to the United States. He enjoys talking because we share the same values about life and spirituality. Most of the conversation is him giving me a discourse about philosophy and spiritual teachings. Calls with him usually last for an hour. He mentioned that for one to lead a burden-free life, one has to forgive and forget. Anger and jealousy will kill the Self. And one has to cut “desire” at the root. This is not the first time I heard this high spiritual wisdom, but this time I was absorbing the message more deeply.
Fortunately, our Spiritual Teacher is also visiting the US and we were scheduled to have a meditation session at 7 PM. So when Chris came home around 4 PM I was very mad. I am a person who doesn’t explode but implodes, which is much more dangerous. Interestingly, I was observing all my internal drama but couldn’t seem to control it. I was so helpless and unable to come out of that emotional trap. We reached the meditation center and I sat down and was preparing myself for the session. As my mind was quieting down, I was able to reflect on the incident.
Initially, it seemed to be the disappointment of the very justifiable small expectation of wanting to go out on a summer day. What is wrong with that? Nothing at all, but look at the effect – once the desire was not fulfilled it led to the next state, which is beautifully explained in Bhagavad Gita.
Desire, when obstructed, brings about a conflict between the involved persons. Then conflict leads to an argument, which creates anger and hatred towards one other. If it doesn’t stop there, it goes to the next level of hurting each other, and finally leading to Hell – not a place but the state of mind.
As I was observing all this unfold, it was very clear how deep that desire was – small but very deep. Once it was revealed, I was able to go deeper in my meditation. I was in a space so wide and endless – so free. I realized unconsciously that THIS was the craving inside that I was looking to fulfill in the external world. All along it was within me and accessible any moment I wanted. O God, Thank You, Thank You for this insight and revelation.
Knowledge of spiritual wisdom alone is not enough; integrating it into your life is what leads to transformation. As a spiritual aspirant, this was a very great lesson for me.